The Top 7 Mistakes People Make When Spamming Their Shit on Twitter

I've been thinking about writing this post for a long time. Part of me feels kind of slimy (Not that part.) to out myself as a spammer. But judging by the effectiveness of my daily Twitter routine, most of you probably know that about me anyway.

You'll notice in the title of this post that I don't say you shouldn't spam your shit on Twitter. As any friend or fan of mine who has unfollowed me can tell you, that's all I do on there. I don't like Twitter at all, but I've found it to be a very effective tool for selling my books. So while some may argue that there's no right way to spam your ads, I'm going to focus on a few of the wronger ways.

7. Your Ads are Boring.

This is an obvious one, so I'll just get it out of the way real quick like. 

If you aren't creative enough to write something better than "Check out my new book! (link)", then you may be in the wrong line of work. Honestly, if you can bore me in the span of 140 characters, why the hell would I ever want to "check out" 300+ pages of your drivel?

Tweet a quote. Tweet a picture. Tweet something funny. Tweet something memorable.

Your tweet is only going to flash by a potential customer's screen. It's your responsibility to make them stop scrolling and say "Hang on a sec... what the fuck?"

6. You're an Excessive Thanker.

I get that you want to be polite. That's how your mamma raised you or whatever.

Pictured: Your mamma. ZING!!!

Pictured: Your mamma. ZING!!!

But when I scroll past twenty or thirty individual "Thank you for the retweet!" tweets, without ever finding the tweet that all of these people are supposedly retweeting, I give up and move on to someone who's hopefully a little less retarded.

I don't want to be thanked. The only reason I retweeted your shit in the first place is because you retweeted my shit first. Reciprocity is the only thanks I desire. So give a thankful "shoutout" to your "peeps" or whatever in one easy-to-ignore tweet, if you really must, and go back to spamming your ads.

5. You Socialize Too Much.

Yeah yeah, I already know what you're going to say.

"Bob, are you seriously chastising me for being sociable on a social media site?"

Of course I am. Trying to have a conversation in 140 character blocks is bad enough, but when you're playing the reciprocal spam game, you're just begging for hundreds of thousands of people to see "...saw him at Wal-Mart last Friday, and he wuz wit dat bitch Jolene! I don't know what 2 do bout..." instead of an ad for whatever you're trying to peddle.

I know people say you're supposed to be engaging, and not try to sell your stuff all the time. And maybe that's a strategy that works well for people who have time for all of that bullshit. But that's not what this post is about.

If you want to socialize on Twitter, that's fine. Make another account for that. Keep your spam account strictly for spam. Your friends and family don't want to see your ads, and the people who are retweeting you don't want to have to sift through piles of your personal bullshit to find something to retweet.

4. You Put Too Many Others Before Yourself.

This is similar to the 'thanking' entry. And maybe this doesn't stem from politeness, but it's the only explanation I can think of that makes any sense.

Here's the scene. I see you've retweeted one of my book ads. I click on your handle to find something of yours to retweet. The first thing I see on your feed is ads from other people which you've retweeted. So I scroll down... and down... and down... and still further down. An endless stream of other people's ads.

Like I said, the only explanation I can think of for this is that you don't want to come off as being selfish or something. You want to show that you're generously giving other people the spotlight. 

You are a time-wasting pain in my ass.

When you're doing a Twitter spam session, the last thing you should post is something of yours.

That's not meant to be interpreted the same way as "The last thing you want to do when confronted by a bear is strip naked, slather yourself in barbecue sauce, and give it the finger." What I mean here is that the final thing, which you absolutely DO want to do once you've retweeted all the ads you're going to retweet during this Twitter session, is post an ad of your own.

Ideally, you should tweet a few of your own ads. Sometimes I'll retweet more than one ad for retweeters I find particularly valuable.

Nobody gives you bonus points for being so selfless as to put other people's spammy ads ahead of your own.

I want to retweet your shit. Don't make it difficult for me to do so.

3. You Pull That Shit Where You Quote Me Instead of Retweeting Me.

What is that even about? What game are you playing at?

The retweet button is very simple to use. You must think you have something to gain by copying and pasting my tweet into a tweet of your own. Well I don't know what you're gaining, but I know what you're losing... a reciprocal retweet from me. Most of my tweets are pushing the character limit as it is. When you quote me, all you're doing is adding your own handle to the tweet, which more often than not means you have to chop the link off of my tweet. The link is there for a reason. I'm trying to sell people my goddamn books!

Fuck you. No retweet. Next!

2. You Use One of Those Stupid Automated Tweeting Services.

Every time I see "Contributed Tweets for @SomeStupidAsshole are delivered by @TeamAnnoyingDickbags", I want to punch @SomeStupidAsshole in the face.

If that's the first tweet of yours that I see, you get skipped. That shit needs to stop.

Will I lose a follower? Maybe. Will it be worth it? Absolutely.

Will I lose a follower? Maybe. Will it be worth it? Absolutely.

1. You Literally Have Nothing at All to Say.

Perhaps the biggest mystery on Twitter. You don't post ads. You don't have conversations. You don't post pictures of your dick or whatever. You don't post anything.

Why are you here???

All you do is retweet other people's ads. How fucking empty is your life? Get out there, man! There are infomercials to be watched, phone books to be read, pixelated porn to be masturbated to, store-brand Cheetos to be eaten. I can literally not think of a less fulfilling way to spend my time than to sit at a computer and spam other people's ads when there's nothing I'm getting in return.

Now, I know I'm already pretty low on the totem pole of people who should be lecturing others on how to spend their time. Hell, I'm currently spending mine writing a blog post about how to be a better spammer. But I'm hoping it will at least serve a purpose. Maybe just one of you fellow Twitter spammers will read this and come to the realization "I've been doing this in a dumb and inefficient way, wasting my time and the time of others. I'm going to turn over a new leaf, and stop being a stupid asshole." Then it will all have been worth it.

You may have noticed that I linked my Amazon page several times on here, but didn't link my Twitter handle even once. If you've arrived at this page from Twitter, you already know who I am. If you've arrived here from somewhere else, you're probably not interested in my recycled stream of book ads.

But in case you are interested in hopping on the spam train, here it is.

If, however, you're interested in engaging with me like a human being (much preferred), come like my Facebook author page and say hello.