If you've been anywhere near an electronic device in the past week or two, you've no doubt seen or heard an endless stream of comparisons between Donald Trump and Adolf Hitler.
These comparisons are not without merit. Between his proposal to ban followers of a particular religion from entering the country, to his suggestion to slaughter the families of the nation's enemies, to his terrible hair, it's an easy comparison to make. A little too easy, if you ask me.
I believe The Donald wants to be compared to Hitler. Why? If the internet has taught me anything, it's that when you start comparing someone to Hitler, you've just lost the argument.
But this is America, goddammit! We're better than Godwin's Law. And that's why I'd like to propose an alternative, arguably more fitting, villain with whom to compare Mr. Trump. In the spirit of the season, my proposal is even a Christmas-themed villain.
I believe Hans Gruber, from Die Hard, is a far better reflection of the soulless, greedy, steaming shitpile that is Donald Trump. Here are some reasons why.
1. Both are the leaders of a pack of gun-crazy white terrorists... and one deceptively adorable black man.
Hans leads his band of terrorists into the Nakatomi Plaza, taking the employees hostage during a company Christmas party.
Trump is currently leading the polls in the pack of GOP presidential hopefuls, the same GOP which believes that holding our country hostage via government shutdown is a reasonable means of getting one's way.
Is that a stretch?
Then consider the adorable black man in each group. Theo seems as out of place alongside this group of violent European terrorists as Ben Carson seems standing on a stage with a bunch of white supremacists.
2. Both are thin-skinned narcissists, delusional about their own talent.
Hans Gruber, a failed political activist, turns to thievery as a means to convince himself that his existence matters. I can't find the clip on YouTube, but I'm sure most of you can recall the following lines of dialogue vividly enough in your heads.
Holly Gennero McClane: After all your posturing, all your little speeches, you're nothing but a common thief.
Hans Gruber: I am an exceptional thief, Mrs. McClane. And since I'm moving up to kidnapping, you should be more polite.
In case you don't recall, Hans loses his cool when he says, "I am an exceptional thief, Mrs. McClane." Holly had touched a nerve.
I won't pretend to be an expert on Trump or his businesses. Much like Ben Carson up there, I'm primarily in this to sell my books.
But if you Google "Trump business failures", you won't come up short for reading material.
And how does The Donald handle criticism? Take a look at this exchange between him and Danny Zuker. :)
3. Both employ the use of complete and utter horseshit to get what they want.
I'm not having a lot of luck with finding the YouTube clips of Die Hard I'm looking for tonight, so here's another short transcript:
Hans: The following people are to be released from their captors: In Northern Ireland, the seven members of the New Provo Front. In Canada, the five imprisoned leaders of Liberte de Quebec. In Sri Lanka, the nine members of the Asian Dawn movement...
John McClane: [listening on the radio] What the fuck?
Karl: [mouthing silently] Asian Dawn?
Hans: [covers the radio] I read about them in Time magazine.
I thought this was a pretty clever bit of screenwriting. It's a refreshing change from the typical Bond-villain "Allow me to explain my ulterior motives, as you are helpless to stop me now." storytelling gimmick. The Asian Dawn/Time Magazine bit shows, rather than tells, the audience that Hans Gruber doesn't give a scheiße about any of the demands he's making.
It's an escalation in boldness, a demonstration of how confident he is that he has those dimwitted cops and FBI agents in the palm of his hand. Is it difficult to imagine a similar conversation between Donald Trump and some hooker he shacked up with at a Motel 6?
Trump: Just you wait, Ivanka.
Hooker: My name's Sapphire.
Trump: For all the meth I just bought you, you'll be whoever I goddamn well say you are.
Trump: You flip the news on tomorrow night. I'm gonna tell everybody I plan to ban all the Muslims from entering the country.
Hooker: You don't think that's a little over the top?
Trump: Are you kidding? They'll eat that shit up! They don't call me "The Donald" for nothing.
Hooker: I don't think anyone calls you that, except to make fun of you.
Trump: Do I have to pay extra for anal?
Say what you will about Hitler, but I believe the man was sincere about his hatred of Jews. I'm not convinced the same is true for Donald Trump's hatred of Mexicans and Muslims. In The Donald's mind, there are only two kinds of people: Donald Trump, and people Donald Trump doesn't give a fuck about. I think there's a reason he (allegedly) kept (still keeps?) a book of Hitler's speeches for bedtime reading rather than Mein Kampf. He's less interested in Hitler's ideals, and more interested in his technique.
4. Both will pay the price for underestimating the United States of America.
There's still a long road ahead before the Republican National Convention decides whose name will be on the detonators they plant in the Nakatomi Plaza, but I kind of hope it's Trump's.
If Donald Trump were to become the Republican presidential candidate, he would be giving every registered voter in our great nation the opportunity, for one day, to truly be the living embodiment of the most potent symbol of America.
We're not perfect. We've got our flaws. But we're smarter than most give us credit for, and we know right from wrong... at least when it starts shooting at us.
I've had a bit to drink by this point, and the metaphor is getting away from me. But the point is that when it comes time to vote next November, the fate of the Nakatomi Plaza that we call the United States of America depends on you.
Now is our chance to shine, by standing together and collectively telling The Donald that he can go to hell.