The Dos and Don'ts of Comments Section Trolling

The ol' C&C blog has been picking up a bit of steam these past couple of weeks. My post about douchebag expats in Korea alone increased traffic on the site by a factor of HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

The post was generally well-received, with lots of likes, comments, and shares on a few Facebook pages geared toward expats in Korea, and I picked up a few new likes on my own Facebook author page

Likewise, I enjoyed similar success with last week's satirical piece on racism in Dungeons & Dragons

While many people got a hearty chuckle and moved on with their lives, some of the douchebags and racists interpreted my posts as an opportunity to stand and be counted.

A number of these people decided the most productive use of their time was to troll the comments sections of my blog posts, and the Facebook posts which linked to them.

Sadly, their efforts were a little underwhelming.

This should really come as no surprise. If you read the Douchebag Expat post, you know that the douchebags in question are not always the most ambitious folks. And if you read the post I wrote a few weeks ago about bigoted shitheads, then you understand that education is not always a bigot's top priority.

But fear not, people who fail even at your sad and pointless endeavors while surrounded by people living rich, fulfilling lives. Robert Bevan is here to give you some pointers on how you can be a more successful troll! (Unfortunately, I cannot make the endeavor itself any less sad or pointless.)

Before we begin, we should make sure we're all on the same page here.

What is a troll? 

According to Merriam-Webster's dictionary, a troll is "a dwarf or giant in Scandinavian folklore inhabiting caves or hills". This leads me to believe that neither Merriam-Webster nor the Scandinavian people have any fucking idea.

"A dwarf or a giant? I'm afraid that just not enough to go on, sir. Can you at least tell me what color car he was driving?"

"A dwarf or a giant? I'm afraid that just not enough to go on, sir. Can you at least tell me what color car he was driving?"

Urban Dictionary's definition more closely describes what we're talking about here:

"One who posts a deliberately provocative message on a newsgroup or message board with the intent of causing maximum disruption and argument"

Without further ado, let's examine some of the ways in which you might more effectively waste the precious gift of life.

1. DON'T be lazy with your zingers.

Please... I need a moment to recover.

Please... I need a moment to recover.

The zinger is the blitzkrieg of trolling. You get in there, you make a devastating quip, and you get out, leaving your opponent to shake his fists in impotent frustration while you high five your imaginary girlfriend.

But here's the thing. The "devastating" part is actually pretty important. You want the enemies of your enemy to laugh with spite-fueled ecstasy when they read your one-sentence evisceration. And like I've said before, comedy is hard.

This wasn't a bad first effort, blastfact, but you can't be lazy when delivering a zinger. You get points for style. Wording it as a legitimate, on-topic suggestion, until I work out that "Hey, he's talking about me!" No complaints there. Nicely done. 

But the substance is lacking. In the wake of my hilarious descriptions of archetypal losers commonly found in Korea, you'll need to come up with something more substantial than what essentially boils down to "I know you are, but what am I?" if you want your words to carry any weight.

"How about the douche who writes douchey comments on awesome blog posts? Infinity!"

"How about the douche who writes douchey comments on awesome blog posts? Infinity!"

2. DO read over your comment before you post it.

I may need a few more moments with this one... and a cipher.

I may need a few more moments with this one... and a cipher.

I'm not expecting perfection, Mr. Rice (I'm going to assume that you live in a culture where last names are capitalized.). I make mistakes. We all do. But you need to at least make an effort to make your comment comprehensible. 

Now you and I both know that you're an intelligent and rational human being (who supports televised executions for those who don't share your fairly "lib den(?)" views), but you must understand that a casual observer could see this and mistake you for some kind of illiterate hillbilly fucktard. And we wouldn't want that.

"Go fuck yourselves" is a complete sentence, and should be punctuated as such. You'll want to capitalize that "t" in the following "this" as well. But listen to me, I'm nitpicking.

Your larger problems include the insertion of the word "Bye" at the beginning of a sentence in which it doesn't really seem to belong. I'm not sure where you were going with that one, and am therefore unable to advise you. The same goes for "lib den". Is that something the kids are saying these days?

I believe in you, Thomas Rice. I know you can spell the word "the" if you try hard enough. It's the most common word in the English language. If you need help, pay attention to those red squiggly lines.

Though widely believed to be your computer's way of telling you "I thought this was particularly clever.", this is, in fact, not the case.

Though widely believed to be your computer's way of telling you "I thought this was particularly clever.", this is, in fact, not the case.

    Presentation is key, Mr. Rice. Keep trying.

3. DON'T post while high on your cousin's shitty meth.

I'm just going to take a moment to go wash my eyes.

I'm just going to take a moment to go wash my eyes.

Come on, Beef. You're a smart guy. You know how to spell big words like "genocide" and "the". 

Ronnie isn't giving you any "family discount". He's just trying to move that skank batch he tried to pass off on Rico any way he can.

Find a supplier who takes pride in his work. 

Spend a little extra. Go with a brand you trust.

Spend a little extra. Go with a brand you trust.

4. DO consider the target of your insult.

There simply aren't enough moments in a human lifespan.

There simply aren't enough moments in a human lifespan.

There are a few problems with this.

The first, and possibly most important, is that when you want to insult someone, you need to choose language that your target will find offensive. Now, I'll admit to having had to look up the word "miscegenationist", because I've never been to any Klan meetings.

For those of you who understand what toilet paper is meant to be used for, let me fill you in. Miscegenation refers to interracial marriage (or sexual relations). We who choose to pollute the purity of the white race with our monstrous offspring.

"Ew."

"Ew."

Clinton, you are an honest-to-Odin, unapologetic bigot. That's more than Beef and Thomas Rice can claim. It's not all your fault. If my parents had been the sort to give me the middle name "Adolf", I honestly couldn't predict what sort of person I'd turn out to be.

So maybe that's just the way your dad and sister/mom raised you. But that's not the part I take issue with here.

The first problem I have with your comment is that you try to insult me with the word "miscegenationist". Now, while that's an offensive term to you, for me it's completely neutral. You'd pack as much of a punch calling me a "writer of hilarious comedy/fantasy novels and short stories". It's just a thing that I am, and am not ashamed of in any way.

Call me fat or bald if you want to hit me in the sensitives. 

Secondly, I don't understand your strategy of accusing me of "stupid, idiotic, hate-filled vitriol" and "insanity-filled, shrieking dribble", when these are the very things you stand for.

Come on, Clint. You're better than this. You need to step up your game. How else are you going to steal away your sister from your daddy while she's still in her child-bearing years?


To read more about the fantasy world the above commenter thinks I'm living in, please have a look at my books

And please feel free to leave a comment here or on my Facebook page, where they will be treated with all the respect they deserve.