Never one for the New Year New Me ideology, America decided to kick January 2016 off with a bunch of hillbilly fucktards taking over some government buildings in a wildlife refuge in Oregon, because freedom or some shit.
I can't rightly sit back and not blog about redneck failure while the rest of the internet has their fun. I want in on that shit too.
We've always known in the back of our minds that there are these gun-crazy, anti-gub'ment, white-trash assholes out there, but as long as they keep to their desert trailers with their sibling-spouses and rat-tailed kids, they're easy enough to ignore. It can be a little scary to see a "what if" scenario where they band together to take action beyond microwaving a Hot Pocket.
And then there's the international embarrassment factor. For the past seven years, the United States, on the whole (excluding a very vocal minority), has been trying to disassociate itself of its Idiot-Jesus-Cowboy reputation. A band of Idiot-Jesus-Cowboys taking an armed stand against the government threatens to have the international community head-shakingly mocking us again.
I'm a glass-is-half-full kind of guy, and I try to find the good in any situation. Here are five reasons I think we should all be happy about Y'all Qaeda.
1. This is the saddest excuse for an act of sedition in recorded history.
A lot of people have been throwing around the words "domestic terrorists", but I think that's giving these good-ol'-boys too much credit. Taking over some empty bird sanctuary in Bumfuck, Oregon isn't a serious attempt at a revolution. That's just illegal camping.
Terrorists, by definition, must at least aspire to incite terror. They're scary because they're organized, striking out of nowhere. These hicks up in Oregon sort of went the other way with it, striking into nowhere, and having to go on YouTube to admit they were inadequately prepared, begging for supporters to send them socks and snacks.
Any terror currently being felt by the squirrels and birds in the immediate vicinity, as starving rednecks gobble down the contents of nearby bird feeders, is surely offset by the hilarity the rest of the nation is enjoying as this plays out.
2. No one mocks Americans like Americans.
It's easy to think that these kinds of inbred white-trash shitheads serve no purpose than to make America look bad, but I think they serve a greater contrary purpose. They have inspired the rest of the nation to come together, united in mockery. And some of it has been nothing short of brilliant.
I wish I knew who to credit for that one. My Facebook feed is crawling with these kinds of memes, as well as links to articles, some more serious in tone than others, but all ultimately berating the band of mouth-breathing cowfuckers who have been nicknamed Y'all Qaeda' and 'Vanilla ISIS'.
Here's a link to some homoerotic fanfiction, speculating on what might be going on as these "patriots" huddle together "for warmth".
The fun didn't stop with words. Y'all Qaeda put out a call for snacks and supplies, and America answered.
This is one of the most heartwarming videos I've ever seen. Everyone in the United States knows about these men and their plight. In a nation of over three hundred million people, it appears the only supplies these self-proclaimed "patriots" received were dildos and "bags of dicks". Watch the video. Revel in his frustration as he sweeps all of their offerings off the table. This isn't the reaction of someone who got a few joke donations along with an ample supply of needed donations. This is what realizing-your-whole-nation-is-against-you-because-you're-an-ignorant-redneck-asshole looks like.
Far from being an embarrassment, this is an America I'm excited to be moving back to.
3. This is yet another painful mirror for the far right to stare into.
Donald Trump is currently the leading contender for the Republican nomination to run for the President of the United States of America. For those in the party with two brain cells to rub together, that's like waking up next to a dead hooker with a bloody knife in your hand and no recollection of the night before.
The same holds true for Y'all Qaeda. We saw it happen with Ammon Bundy's father. The GOP hovered over him like flies on a pile of shit, until he used his sudden celebrity status to make plain his thoughts on "The Negro" (his words, not mine).
“They abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.”
Then they scattered like cockroaches.
Maybe it's optimistic of me, but I like to think that at least a few on the far right are looking at the Bundy Bunch and opening their eyes to the cartoonish buffoonery that is taking over their party, and wondering if the party of hard-working, self-made billionaires they thought they'd signed up for isn't really just a party mostly made up of white trash.
4. It's a dozen or more gun-crazy assholes off the streets for a while... perhaps permanently.
Maybe it's not much, but as long as Vanilla ISIS remains contained in a federal birdhouse, that's more than a dozen violent assholes off the streets and under constant surveillance.
That might not seem like much of a bright side, but when you consider how much these guys have in common with so many of our recent mass-shooters, this standoff might allow a few dozen more kids to grow up.
I think we can all feel good that these "constitutional scholars" are all waxing their barrels where we can see them.
5. We need something to entertain us until Season 6 of Game of Thrones comes out.
We’ve already mentioned how this constitutional cluster-fuck is a boon to America’s infinite capacity for comedic self-examination and homoerotic writing, but what about America’s other great export - television? April is a long way off. We have a great opportunity here to once more redefine entertainment with a reality TV show that's actually watchable.
Why are networks not fighting over the rights to this? It's like an unscripted, entertaining version of Duck Dynasty, with a little bit of COPS thrown in. I challenge you to name an episode of any reality show as much fun as the episode of this show we could have had about one of the Yee-Hawdists holing up in a nearby motel room and drinking away what little donation money they'd collected. Come on, TV execs. Get on this.
Here's my vision... Law enforcement officials surround the place, cutting off all roads in and out. They shut off the power and find a way to sneak in cameras and microphones. With a little bit of editing, you have comedy gold.
We cut from scenes of idiots shivering in the dark, trying to figure out which of them they're going to eat first, to interviews with cops and federal agents, sitting in their warm cars, drinking coffee and eating confiscated snacks.