The following transcripts are from a recording which was played for me by a masked stranger in an alley behind a Dunkin Donuts. He claimed to be a big fan of my books, and said that if I didn't hear from him again, that I should go public with what I'd heard.
Fortunately, I have a photographic memory.
I realize I'm putting myself in danger by transcribing this, but the truth is just too important.
Be warned. What you're about to read may disturb you.
"You pass through the fog into the mouth of a dimly lit cavern. When your eyes adjust, you see five silhouettes against the water glistening on the slick stone walls."
"You see? This. This is what happens when you pay your contractors. They walk all over you. To hell with this place. I'm going to explore a different cavern."
"But Mr. Trump, I –"
"Please. My father is Mr. Trump, right? You can call me Big Dick Donald."
"I'm not going to call you that."
"Seriously. It's huge. It's big enough to satisfy eight women at a time."
"I'm not sure how size would even come into play for –"
"You don't believe me? You know what? I'll just show you."
"Honestly, sir. That's not necessary. Oh my God no. Seriously, you don't have to –"
"Take a gander at Trump Tower."
"Jesus Christ! It's like a mummified toe! Please put it away so we can get on with the game."
"Take it easy. Now get back to running this game before I have to slap you with it."
"Okay. Thank you. Ahem. The tallest figure steps forward and reveals herself to be a young girl dressed in –"
"Alright! Now we're cookin'. How young are we talking here? Ten? Eleven?"
"She appears to be around fifteen."
"Ew. Well, I guess I'll have to brush the cobwebs aside and take one for the team."
"You don't have a team, Mr. Trump. Everyone else canceled when they heard you were coming."
"Bullshit. I'm Donald Trump! Everyone loves me. The spics, the queers, the nig–"
"Please stop talking, sir."
"Tell me more about Granny Hairyvag."
"Very well. She's wearing an amulet with a strange symbol on it. Would you like to make a Knowledge of Religion check to see if you can identify it?"
"Okay, good. What's your Intelligence score?"
"I seem to recall you saying it was three."
"I never said that."
"I can see it on your character sheet."
"I'm so intelligent. You don't even know. I'm, like, the smartest guy in the world. I have seventy-six degrees from Trump University."
"That's not a –"
"Hey Pubesnatch. Nice amulet you got there."
"Excuse me? Oh, are we... Okay. She glances down at her amulet, then gives you a scornful glare. What know you of Dragos, the Lord of Serpents?"
"I know everything there is to know, lady. Me and Dragos, we go way back. We've played golf together."
"Name one of the Seven Tenets of the Faithful."
"Well, you see... That's very personal to me, and –"
"Fuck you, geek!"
"Please, Mr. Trump. We're in character. You are addressing the girl in the cave. She appears to be growing angry."
"No problem. I'll seduce her."
"Are you sure that's how you want to play this? Just so you know, your Charisma score isn't very –"
"I'm Donald Trump. I can seduce this cave bitch with my eyes closed. No sweat."
"Fine. How would you like to seduce her."
"I... I don't know what that means."
"Of course you don't. You should enroll at Trump University. It's the best. People come up to me all the time and tell me how great it is. Here, I think I have an application."
"That's my checkbook. How did you... Give me that. Allow me to rephrase the question. By what means do you intend to seduce this underage girl?"
"I'll grab her by the pussy."
"What the fuck is wrong with... You know what, fine. You reach out to grab her, but she begins to transform in front of your eyes. Wings sprout out from behind her shoulders. Her face elongates. Her skin grows covered with shimmering scales. Before you stands a dragon."
"This isn't fair. Why didn't you mention the bitch was Chinese when you were describing her?"
"Chinese? What makes you think... Never mind. You only have time for a standard action. What do you do?"
"Are you deaf, or just a retard? I told you, grab her by the pussy."
"I believe she probably has a cloaca now, but whatever. You grab for it. She attacks you."
"What? Don't I get a Diplomacy roll?"
"No, you don't get a fucking Diplomacy roll. You tried to assault a little girl. And you tried it again knowing she was actually a dragon."
"What can I say? I'm a charmer."
"That's where you're wrong, fuck-o. You're the loser... nal. I'm the winner... nal. I don't get it. What's with the 'nal'? Is that some Lord of the Rings shit?"
"Okay. She rolls a 14. What's your Armor Class?"
"Who gives a shit? I throw money at her. Go buy some shoes, lizard whore."
"Aaaaand... she bites your arm off."
"I grow another one and give her the finger with it."
"You can't do that."
"Do you know who I am, loser?"
"You've mentioned it once or twice."
"I'm Donald Trump. If I listened to every fagtard who ever told me I couldn't do something..."
"... then I wouldn't be mere days away from being elected the next president of The United States of America."
"I'd agree that the chances of that are about the same as you instantaneously regrowing a severed arm."
"So what's Chingchong McMoldycunt doing?"
"She spits out your arm and speaks to her minions. 'The imbecile tastes of processed cheese. Finish him.' Her four henchmen emerge from the shadows. They are humanoids with wide mouths and yellow eyes. They have pointed ears and teeth, and are armed with spears."
"I'm not sure you appreciate the situation you're –"
"I'll offer the negroes money to switch sides."
"Um... I know I'm going to regret asking this, but are you referring to the goblins?"
"Is that what they want to be called nowadays? I don't have time to keep up with all of this PC bullshit."
"I never said anything about –"
"You called them spearchucking minions who turn invisible in the dark. Why are we still talking about this. Do the negroes accept cash, or do they only take crack?"
"There are no 'negroes' in this cavern."
"Well at least it's got that going for it."
"We should really wrap this up. I have to pick up my daughter from preschool."
"Is she hot?"
"The goblins run their spears through each of your eyes."
"I'll pay you ten thousand dollars for five minutes alone with her."
"That is never ever going to happen. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to –"
"Fine. You can hang around and watch, but that takes my offer down to five grand, and I may need a couple more minutes because you're making it weird."
"The dragon breathes a cone of fire, turning your repulsive being into a smoldering pile of ash."
"Seven thousand. My final offer."
"The goblins piss on your ashes and the world is a better place. The end."
"The fuck it is! Who are you to judge me on my terrible behavior and decisions?"
"That's literally the definition of my job, both as a Game Master and a voting citizen."
"This game is rigged. I'll sue your nerd ass! Do you know who I am?"
"A crybaby bitch?"
"Why you little... I'll wring your goddamn neck!"
"Please stop doing that. It tickles. Wow, you really do have tiny hands."
"Stop looking at my hands and die!"
"Somebody help me! I'm getting grabbed by a pussy!"
"Stop... laughing... at... me... Fuck, this is exhausting. You're a lot tougher than an eight-year-old girl, I'll give you that. So can I count on your vote on November 28th?"
"Yeah, probably not."
"That's disappointing. Can you at least stand next to a voting booth and keep the Jews out?"
"Goodbye, Mr. Trump."
That's where the tape ended. Who that masked stranger was, I may never know. What became of him and his tape may forever remain a mystery.
If you're reading this, sir, I thank you. Your country thanks you.
Would you like to read marginally less offensive stories about people playing roleplaying games badly? Great news for you! The entire Caverns & Creatures collection of novels and short stories is on sale RIGHT NOW! Go get that shit!
Do you know what The Donald would really hate? If you would like my Facebook page.