Grab Halloween By The Pussy

'Tis the season for ghastly ghouls, haunted houses, and looming specters. And no specter looms more ominously among the functioning minds of the world than the possibility of a Donald Trump presidency.

To help you celebrate what is perhaps the scariest Halloween in this nation's history, I've come up with a few ideas to help you stand out from the crowd.

1. Zombie Trump

Let's face it. Between Halloween, The season premiere of The Walking Dead, and Donald Trump being the subject of every other post in everyone's Facebook feed, Zombie Trump is going to be a bit overdone. Does that mean you should just pack up your tattered suit and unconvincing hairpiece? Not at all!

The devil is in the details, and so you're going to need a prop to help you stand out from all the other Zombie Trumps out there. But what could you carry around that would make an immediately recognizable statement?

A bullhorn? It's a good thought. He's loud and obnoxious and wants constant attention. But it doesn't really go with the zombie theme. Keep thinking.

A preteen sex doll? While true to character, it might raise more eyebrows than you're comfortable with. Do you really expect us to believe you bought that just to enhance your Halloween costume?

What you really need to make this costume work is a pussy. I'm not talking about a plush cat or a Fleshlight (The former is unoriginal, and the latter takes a little more thought to process than most people are likely to expend before deciding to simply avoid the guy waving around a jerkoff toy.)

No. You need a realistic looking vagina. That tells a story. "I'm Donald Trump, and I grabbed one last pussy before I was turned by the undead. And goddammit, I didn't let go."

Tragically, my research on Amazon only led me to this Female Reproductive Anatomy Model. The reviews say it's fragile. Probably better for display than to carry around drunkenly.

If you're an arts-and-crafts type, maybe see what you can do with a squid.

2. Trumpcakes

You don't want to show up to any Halloween parties you might be invited to empty-handed, the rotting squid carcass you're carrying around notwithstanding. Here's an easy and inexpensive seasonal treat.

First, find a cupcake recipe. Here's a pretty simple one.

With a few modifications, your cakes will be the hit of the party!

Run-of-the-mill cupcakes tend to be a pale yellow. To get the proper unnatural orange, you're going to need to add some food coloring to the batter. Heavy on the yellow. Easy on the red.

NOTE: For those of you planning to vote for Trump on November 28th, you can substitute your own blood for food coloring. You'll need at least a gallon.

NOTE: For those of you planning to vote for Trump on November 28th, you can substitute your own blood for food coloring. You'll need at least a gallon.

Feel free to take liberties with the recipe as you see fit. If you're planning to serve any actual Trump supporters, I might suggest substituting salt for sugar, and either vinegar or cat piss for milk.

Add a couple of black jellybeans for soulless black eyes, some lemon frosting for fake hair, and a Bugles corn chip for a mouth ready to welcome Vladimir Putin's dick.

"Give it to me good, Cutey Putey. I've been a bad hombre."

"Give it to me good, Cutey Putey. I've been a bad hombre."

3. The Trumpkin

For centuries, mankind has been carving faces into these head-sized fruits. Not until now has the color been so appropriate.

It might seem strange that my inspiration for this project came to me in a Walmart. But honestly, when you're going to do a blog post about Donald Trump, what better muse is there?

It started with this...

What's big, brainless, and orange, and supported by lesser whiter versions of itself?

What's big, brainless, and orange, and supported by lesser whiter versions of itself?

The Trumpkin had to be done, but it was no easy task. I'm not the first to think of the idea, after all, and I aim to go above and beyond what's already been done.

I started out with a big ass pumpkin and carved a shitty face into it.

In case you didn't figure it out with the cupcake, I'm not the most gifted sculptor in the world.

In case you didn't figure it out with the cupcake, I'm not the most gifted sculptor in the world.

The "hair" was the crucial part. For that, I needed a second pumpkin, and something to shave it with. As it turns out, pumpkin skins are a lot thicker than an apple's, a potato's, a carrot's, or Donald Trump's.

This blog post is not sponsored by Farberware.

This blog post is not sponsored by Farberware.

A flathead screwdriver would have taken me forever. I needed something more efficient. The solution I came up with was not without its irony.

Even as I mock him, he makes America grate again.

Even as I mock him, he makes America grate again.

Once the "hair" was done, and I shaved off some of the inside to make it fit atop the head, I had myself a Trumpkin.

But what value does a Trumpkin have without the white trash who support him? Walmart had me covered. I carved a few hollow-headed white pumpkins to give my Trumpkin the false sense of self-worth that he so desperately craves, and imagined what sorts of thoughts they might be having.

"Gooooooood... business.... man....."

"Gooooooood... business.... man....."

"BIN-GAZZY!!!"

"BIN-GAZZY!!!"

Put them all together, use a banana peel for tongues and a puddle of pumpkin guts, and you've got yourself a macabre scene of brainless white trash eagerly lapping up the horrible shit that comes out of his mouth.

"It all makes sense! Mexicans and Muslims are the reason my sister left me and our eight babies for the night clerk at the Piggly Wiggly!"

"It all makes sense! Mexicans and Muslims are the reason my sister left me and our eight babies for the night clerk at the Piggly Wiggly!"

I recommend keeping them around until November 9th, and watching them go from bugshit crazy to just plain old bugshit.

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However you choose to spend your Halloween, stay safe, don't drink and drive, and however good an idea it seems at the end of the night, don't be the guy who welcomes November by rubbing one out into a dead squid.


If your Halloween plans involve staying home alone and crying into an empty Doritos bag, you might be in the demographic my hilarious fantasy novels and short stories are targeted at.

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