Happy Thanksgiving

So it's been over a week since the unthinking did the unthinkable and demonstrated a new height in just how willfully ignorant and self-destructive a certain portion of the American people can be when they put their bigotry above their own self-interest.

Like Gobots, except even shittier and made entirely out of mobile homes.

Like Gobots, except even shittier and made entirely out of mobile homes.

And now this week we'll all sit down to what may be the most awkward extended family dinner in living memory, alongside people we just unfriended on Facebook, and mumble some bullshit about what we're thankful for so that we can start drinking.

I'll go first. Here are a few things I'm genuinely thankful for, and I don't get to start drinking today for another couple of hours.

1. The Future

Is this the "great again" part?

Is this the "great again" part?

No, not the immediate future. Strap yourselves in, motherfuckers, 'cause we're all in for a rough couple of years.

But sometimes a kid needs to suffer the embarrassment of shitting his pants in a public place before he finally gets over his irrational fear of public restrooms.

We are a young nation, full of promise and hope, and we haven't just let out a modest shart. Our collective bowels have just exploded down our pants legs and puddled around our feet while the entire world was watching. 

Will we learn from this and get over our irrational fears? We've got a four-year-long car ride to wallow in our filth and think about it.

2. Having been on the right side of history is more fun when the wrong side was winning.

How many people today would boast about having discovered an ancestor who owned slaves or rounded up Jews in Nazi-era Germany?

I mean, aside from these people.

I mean, aside from these people.

But think of the pride you'd feel having discovered you had an ancestor involved in the Underground Railroad, or someone who sheltered Jews during WWII, or anyone who, at any point in history, looked evil in the face as they gave it the finger.

Or the whole goddamn hand.

Or the whole goddamn hand.

I doubt very much that I'll save any lives or directly stand up to any tyranny in the approaching stain on our nation's history. I'm no hero. I am but a humble peddler of dick jokes with mouths to feed.

But I'm thankful that some day in the distant future, my great great great great grandchildren may stumble upon this blog post and see that their ancestor was at least on the right side of history.

Hey kids. Great great great great grandpa loves you. Stay in school and don't do space meth.

Hey kids. Great great great great grandpa loves you. Stay in school and don't do space meth.

3. There may be a screen adaptation of Critical Failures coming your way!

I know, given the nature of the rest of this post, that this may seem frivolous, and even callous, to any of you reading this who might be worrying that one or more of your family members may soon be deported, or that your marriage may no longer be recognized, or that you're going to lose your health care, or even worse. "Some privileged white asshole may be getting a movie deal" might not be high on your list of things to get excited about right now. 

I love you all, and will always do what I feel is right with regard to protecting all of our freedoms.

But this blog, at the end of the day, is for me and my fans. I don't get a whole lot of outside traffic, so please forgive me if you're new here and this last entry feels a bit jarring.

Having said that, the producer who expressed interest in making a screen adaptation of my books has agreed to the amendments in the contract suggested by my lawyer.

We are a couple of signatures away from a film option!

No promises, but you may witness half-orc shit smeared across the silver screen sooner than you think. 

For that, I'm thankful.

"You call that shitting yourself? My grandma shits herself with more passion than that!"

"You call that shitting yourself? My grandma shits herself with more passion than that!"

Happy Thanksgiving!


As you may have guessed, I write comedy fantasy books in which half-orcs sometimes shit themselves.

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