If Presidential Candidates Were D&D Monsters

In an election year, it's easy to see the candidates running against the one you support as "monsters"... usually Hitler. But why stop there when we have such a colorful selection of presidential candidates this year, and the Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual provides such a variety of more interesting monsters to compare people to?

Ben Carson / Kobold

 

From the Monster Manual:

Kobolds are short, reptilian humanoids with cowardly and sadistic tendencies.

I don't know how tall Dr. Carson is, but the rest of that seems to hit the nail pretty straight on the head. They may look adorable from a distance, but try to give one of them a hug, and they just might bite your face off.

Marco Rubio / Goblin

From the Monster Manual:

Goblins are small humanoids that many consider little more than a nuisance.

That sums up Rubio's presidential run pretty well, from what I've seen. But what else does the book have to say about Rub-- I mean, goblins?

Being bullied by bigger, stronger creatures has taught goblins to exploit what few advantages they have.

What advantage does Rubio exploit after being bullied by Donald Trump? The dick joke.

Now, I'd like to go on record that I have nothing against dick jokes. Far from it, I've built my career on them. Rubio's effort wasn't really strong enough to sway my vote though.

Finally, from the text:

Goblins have a poor grasp of strategy and are cowardly by nature.

This could go a long way to explain why Rubio tends to fall in line with the GOP/Teabagger norms, not really straying from the pack on any issue. In a race like this, a decent strategy all but demands you make yourself stand out somehow. But it looks like the goblin Challenge Rating of 1/4 is pretty spot on.

Hillary Clinton / Mimic

From the Monster Manual:

Mimics are strange and deadly creatures that can change their pigmentation and shape. They use this ability to lure hapless victims close enough to slay.

While I've never personally witnessed Hillary Clinton morph into a treasure chest, I have seen her do an about-face on issues in order to lure hapless voters close enough to dupe. Hate gays? Hillary will vote against those abominations' rights to marry one another. Support gay marriage? Well you're in luck, friend. So does Hillary!

Want a candidate who's not afraid to take on Wall Street? Hillary is on top of that shit. She's not even president yet, and those bastards are already paying... contributions to her campaign.

Hillary will be everything you want in a candidate, even if it's the polar opposite of the thing she'll be for someone else. That's versatility!

Unfortunately, however, that means that if she ever does make it to the White House, some of those voters are going to get bit in the ass.

Ted Cruz / Magmin

While the resemblance is uncanny, this isn't really a fair comparison to the magmin.

According to the Monster Manual:

Although not truly evil, these fiery creatures are extremely mischievous. They like to watch things burn, perhaps lacking the ability to understand that flames are painful or even deadly to other creatures.

While I have no doubt Ted Cruz would like to watch the country burn, I believe he's fully aware of the pain, suffering, and death his presidency would catalyze.

Maybe a wererat is a more apt comparison, as it takes into account his rodent-like face, as well as his Lawful Evil alignment.

Donald Trump / Gibbering Mouther

gibbering trump.jpg

Perhaps no name and description in the Monster Manual better describes a presidential candidate than the entry for the Gibbering Mouther describes Donald Trump.

Classifying the creature as a “Medium-Size Aberration”, the description begins as follows:

A gibbering mouther is a horrible creature seemingly drawn from a lunatic's nightmares.

Only a lunatic's nightmare could have foreseen Trump progressing as far as he has, but the similarities don't end there.

Gibbering mouthers can speak Common, but seldom say anything other than gibbering.

This has been Trump's strategy from the beginning. By constantly shouting incoherent gibberish at the top of his lungs, he has cultivated the white trash element of our society, beckoning them to crawl out of their trailers and congeal into force for ignorance and bigotry too large to ignore.

What is the book's definition and effects of “gibbering”, you ask? Here you go:

As soon as a mouther spots something edible, it begins a constant gibbering as a free action. All creatures within a 60-foot spread must succeed at a Willpower save or be affected as though by a confusion spell.
“What he’s sayin’ makes a lot of sense. We do need to build a wall to keep them Muslims from rapin’ our jobs.”

What hes sayin makes a lot of sense. We do need to build a wall to keep them Muslims from rapin our jobs.

Bernie Sanders / Human

 

Honest, classy, and genuinely interested in allowing this country to live up to its vast, vast potential, Bernie is the only candidate currently running who I can feel comfortable referring to as a decent human being. Unfortunately, as I've mentioned before, humans are not included in the Monster Manual.


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