In light of the unexpectedly massive amount of white trash in this country, and the Democratic Party telling its supporters that they can go fuck themselves, it would appear that the classless orange buffoon which calls itself "The Donald" actually has a legitimate chance of becoming the next president of the United States.
While that should have anyone who gives a shit about this country reason to worry, I'd like to try to at least pass around a little lube before we all get fucked. So lie back, think of England, and how we at least get a few months to be perceived as marginally less stupid than they are.
1. The Wall
Of all the festering word-turds constantly spewing out of Trump's mouth, perhaps the most laughable are the ones involving the enormous wall he proposes to build on the border between the United States and Mexico... at Mexico's expense.
Trump doesn't have a whole lot of ideas, so he's been blathering about this wall for quite some time. Even if it is the dumbest and most pointless feat of engineering ever imagined, he'll have no choice but to go through with it once he sits in the Oval Office. And there's only one possible way Mexico can respond.
And what the hell is Trump going to do about it? Nothing. There's nothing he can do. Maybe he'll get congress to give him enough money to start a wall on his own, promising that Mexico is definitely going to pay us back eventually. Or maybe he'll pay for it with his Trump Steaks money.
But even if we do eventually get a piece of a wall built down the line, it will be noteworthy only as the single largest canvass on which to spray-paint portraits of Trump eating dicks in the world.
2. Civil Disobedience
2015 was full of stories about assholes occupying bird sanctuaries and shitheads refusing to grant marriage licenses to gay couples. The one positive act of civil disobedience from last year that stands out in my memory is Bree Newsome's scaling of that flagpole in South Carolina and removal of the Confederate Flag, paving the way for the state to pull its head out of its ass and remove the flag for good two weeks later.
With only the support of the absolute lowest bottom-feeders of society, how many examples of non-shitheaded civil disobedience might we be able to look forward to when the Lord of the Trailer Parks calls in the military to start shutting down mosques and rounding up Muslims? Maybe I'm naively optimistic, but I anticipate seeing at least a few courageous folks refusing direct orders from the terribly toupeed top.
3. Watching Trump's Psyche Break
One of Trump's biggest advantages right now is that he has himself insulated, surrounded by people telling him he's brilliant and that his hair looks good. His complete and total domination over the other Republican candidates only served to bolster his misguided belief that he is the second coming of that guy he really should look up because so many of his fans seem to be really into him.
The presidency should be a nice splash of horse piss in the face for him. It's a stressful job involving tough decisions and consequences, that takes its toll. Look what it did to Lincoln.
Sure, Abe had a Civil War and a lot of personal loss to deal with during that time. And he's Abraham Lincoln, a man who actually cared about the country he was governing and its people. What kind of effect would the office have on a blowhard shithead who doesn't care about anyone or anything but making a quick buck?
I'll admit we're starting at a disadvantage. How much worse could Trump look than he already does? But I believe in America. We, the People, of the United States of America, can turn this rat-headed jack-o-lantern into a shambling and stuttering husk of a man, and in only one term!
Is it wrong for me to anticipate taking pleasure in the physical and psychological decay of a fellow human being? Perhaps. But cut me some slack. I'm trying to make a list of things to look forward to in a Donald Trump presidency.
4. The Downfall Of The Republican Party
Conservative politicians in this country have, until now, always been careful to tread as close to the "blatant racism" barrier as possible without actually stepping over it.
Trump, on the other hand, treats such barriers with the grace and subtlety of the Kool-Aid Man.
This strategy has caused a rift in the Republican Party. Some are embracing it, as it has been shown effective in mobilizing the white trash vote, and there's no shortage of that to go around. But others denounce it, claiming that these aren't the conservative values the party is supposed to stand for.
But they totally are. Donald Trump is the Dorian Gray picture of what their party has gradually turned into, and they're only now being forced to look at it.
Will the Republican Party, having made a complete 180 degree turn in values from its Lincoln days, finally collapse under the weight of its own bullshit and lack of identity? I don't know. I'm no political scientist. I am but a humble peddler of fart jokes pulling theories and speculations out of my ass.
5. America needs to hit rock bottom.
This country has been through some rough times, many of which may be well more tragic than whatever four years of Donald Trump may have in store for us. But perhaps history will judge none quite so embarrassing as having chosen this man to be our representative to the rest of the world.
I think it vital that every future American child be forced to stare at his presidential portrait in their history books and feel the shame of what their forefathers allowed to happen to this once great nation of theirs, so that it may never happen again.