Tips For Surviving Trump's America

Today's the day. Our country is now in the tiny hands of an animated mound of dried hooker piss. What can we do but accept it and hope for the best? Maybe we're all wrong, and Donald Trump only seems stupid every time he speaks or tweets. Maybe he's really bigly smart. We should at least give the guy a chance, right?


If I was ever inclined to give Trump a chance, which I wasn't, he just blew it when he nominated Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education. You don't come to me for news. You've all heard about the bear thing by now. And I understand that Trump's other nominations are at least as bad as her, and that "Defense against bears" is probably the least devastating plan that DeVos has in mind for our public schools, but it's also probably the clearest sign pointing to where this country is headed.

When asked about having guns in schools, there are a lot of ways one could respond. For example, a not-batshit-insane person might respond by saying that guns have no place in a school. But even the dumbest gun-loving redneck fucktard out there might vomit up something about terrorists or self-defense or some shit, and still come off looking like a scholar when their answer is put side by side with Betsy DeVos's.

Because grizzly bears.

Because grizzly bears.

With the entire world watching, and without so much as a giggle as she said it, she claimed that guns may be necessary in schools to protect our children from fucking grizzly bears.

What can we take from Trump nominating someone so profoundly stupid and unqualified to be in charge of our children's education? Nothing that we don't know already, namely that education itself is the greatest threat to people like Trump remaining in power... even a greater threat than grizzly bears.

So no, I will not be giving Mr. Trump a chance. Like every sane person in this country, I'll be resisting him and his white trash followers at every opportunity. But how?

One thing I won't be doing is claiming that he's not my president. I see the #notmypresident hashtag a lot, and it makes me sad. For better or worse... okay, just worse... Trump will be the one sitting in the Oval Office jerking off to piss porn.

Posting #notmypresident has no more effect on the reality we're living in than me posting #notfatandbald has on my physical appearance. We, the People, have shat the bed, and We, the People, are all going to lie in it for the next four years whether we choose to accept it or not.

"Did you really? Are there videos? Pics? I'm asking for a friend."

"Did you really? Are there videos? Pics? I'm asking for a friend."

So what can we do in the meantime?

1. Play to your strengths.

A lot of people recommend a "They go low, we go high" approach. For eight long years, President Obama has endured a constant torrent of ignorance and bigotry with all the grace one should expect from a someone who has accepted the burden and responsibility of being our nation's leader and representative to the world.

For eight years, Trump and his band of inbred teabaggers have been throwing whatever shit they can scoop out of their asses at President Obama, accusing him of being Kenyan, or a Muslim, or a terrorist, or a werewolf, or whatever. None of the shit ever stuck, because it was all obviously baseless nonsense that further evidenced that the only gripe these hillbilly shitheads ever had against the guy in the first place was that he was black.

And not once did President Obama go on a childlike Twitter rant about his insecurities. Why? Because he was the goddamn President of the United States. He may not have been perfect, but it cannot be denied that he brought class and dignity to the office.

Good on you, Mr. President. Thank you for your service. You will be missed.

Good on you, Mr. President. Thank you for your service. You will be missed.

Going high when they go low is a commendable strategy, and I respect those who adhere to it. However, as anyone who has ever read my books can attest to, going high is not my strong suit. When they go low, I go lower.

All of you respectable journalists keep on doing what you do. Report on every bald-faced fucking lie that comes out of this shithead's mouth. We need you now more than ever.

But for those of us whose strengths lean more towards making memes about hooker piss, now is our time to shine. Never before in the history of the world have we had such a perfect brew of elements working together to allow our gifts to be used effectively. Consider this...

1. The internet. It's easier than ever to troll a sitting president, and there has never been a president so responsive to trolling.

2. The perpetual flow of verbal diarrhea that comes out of this man's mouth. It's an endless well of material to work with.

3. His notoriously thin skin. Trump doesn't take well to thoughtfully presented criticism, but he absolutely loses his shit when people make fun of him. It is we, the purveyors of fine lowbrow comedy at the expense of Donald Trump's penis size, pee-soaked fake hair, and lack of intelligence, who wield the power to drive this motherfucker into the ground. 

So go low, you beautiful sons of bitches. Don't hold back. Strap some cannonballs to your ankles and dive into the Marianas fucking Trench of assholery. Our greatest strength is compounded by his greatest weakness. Our country needs us. Answer the call.

2. Declare your support for those who are going to get the worst of it.

As a straight white male, I don't expect a whole lot of persecution directed at me personally in the years to come. But as someone who has an iota of empathy, I feel for those who are in the greatest danger.

To the Muslims: I find your religion as nonsensical, dangerous to critical thought, and rooted in outdated superstition as any other, including the one I grew up with, but I do not want to see you put on a registry or rounded up into concentration camps. 

To the Mexicans: I recognize you as a large and important part of our nation's cultural identity, and you make delicious food. I do not believe you are all a bunch of rapists, because I'm not a dumbshit asshole.

To the gays: I do not wish to shake your penises, but I will gladly shake your hands. And if you wish to shake each others' penises, in or out of wedlock, I will not stand in your way, because I truly do not give a shit what you do with any penis that does not belong to me.

To the women: Likewise, I do not wish to tell you what you may or may not do with your bodies, or to grab you by the pussies, unless these are things that we, as mutually consenting adults, agree to.

To the poor: I'm going to be honest with you. I'm as selfish with my money as they come. I'm not going to voluntarily pay for your hospital visits or your children's education out of my own pocket. But I will gladly continue to support candidates who strive to make us all pay a little more in taxes to provide universal healthcare and education for all of us, because I want my children to grow up in a country full of smart and healthy people.

3. Take charge of what you can control.

So the country's going to go to shit for a few years. There's not a lot we can do about that. But maybe we can use that time to focus on the things we can control. Accomplish personal goals that make these years less depressing to look back on.

Maybe you'll start hitting the gym, and be able to look back on this as the time you stopped being a big fat slob.

Maybe you'll finally get your ass in the chair and write that novel you've always been meaning to get around to.

For me, it'll be about getting my kids the fuck out of Mississippi.

Just shy of a year ago, I moved my family from South Korea to Mississippi. It may strike you as odd that I'd want to bring my half-Asian children to live in a place known mainly for religious fanaticism, racism, and terrible education.

Do my eyes deceive me, or is there a correlation here?

Do my eyes deceive me, or is there a correlation here?

The main reason we moved here was convenience. My family is in this area, which made the transition a lot easier, especially since I had very little experience with many of the tasks and responsibilities that come with being an adult (My wife handled that stuff in Korea).

The food and climate were also nice draws, because fried seafood is awesome and winter can eat a dick.

And I honestly believed that a whole state full of people couldn't be as ubiquitously shitty as the reputation that precedes them. I knew going in that we were entering an area with a "conservative" majority, but I didn't expect it to be as vast and as stupid as I've since witnessed.

I don't need to be in a place where everyone thinks the same way I do, but I wouldn't mind hanging out with a few people who aren't fucking morons. Perhaps it was naive of me, but I expected to find some subculture of decent people. I'm still looking.

We never planned to stay in Mississippi forever, but we bought a house thinking that we'd hang out here for a few years until we found a place we'd prefer to call home. Then a couple of things happened, one right after the other, that made me wonder if we'd just made a huge mistake.

1. Trump was elected president of the United States, and I'd just moved my family into a hive of his most rabidly ignorant supporters.

2. I had a birthday party for my son, and the only kid from his class to show up was the other half-Asian kid. I don't mean to insinuate that the parents of the rest of the kids in his class are racists, but I wondered...

Is there a correlation here?

Is there a correlation here?

"What the fuck are we doing in Mississippi?" is a question I've asked myself every day for the past two months. And there's actually a pretty good answer. There's a lot of motivation for us to get out of here, but we didn't really have much of an idea where we'd want to make a permanent home.

Then we visited Atlanta last weekend, and it became crystal clear, for a number of reasons that I won't go into, that we belonged on the outskirts of that city.

Sadly, we're not in the financial position to make that change in our lives right now, having just purchased a house. But we've got some hope to hold on to and keep us going. My kids may have to endure the beginning of a Trump presidency in Mississippi, but they sure as shit won't have to see it through to the end.

It's important to keep in mind that we don't live in a prison... at least, not yet. Our move is going to be difficult, but the most important changes you make in life always are. It'll be worth it to know that I've done my best to make sure my kids are growing up in a more ethnically and culturally diverse atmosphere, among other kids who will go on to have higher aspirations in life than gettin' really big tires on their Chevys.

4. Vote.

Midterm elections are next year, and we have the opportunity to take a plunger to the stuck turd of a congress that is clogging our government, and elect representatives who will tell Donald Trump to go fuck himself.

This country was founded on telling a tyrant to go fuck himself, and that is how we can make America great again.

This country was founded on telling a tyrant to go fuck himself, and that is how we can make America great again.

Those who obstructed President Obama every step of the way have since said that we now need to look past our differences and respect our new president, for his success is our success.

Again, fuck that.

Donald Trump's complete and utter catastrophic failure is our best hope to drive enough of the shitbrained assholes who voted for him even deeper back into the sewers they crawled out of to elect him, such that they finally care more about their own well being and the good of their country than they do about clinging to their ignorance and bigotry.


Rumor has it there's going to be nothing but shit on TV today. Why not read a book instead?

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